Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Daily Ten: Regrettable Superheroes

That whole "librarian by day" part of my bio is true. No matter what gamertag I'm under at the moment (NuPhoenixX/Dog of Thunder), I love books, I love reading, I love knowledge. While giving a tour of the library I work at to a student yesterday, I happened to see a book on the shelves that I just had to check out:

The League of Regrettable Superheroes by Jon Morris.

How could I possibly resist!?

Join me as I look at some of the Regrettable Superheroes selected by Jon Morris, and just what makes them so....regrettable.

10) Doctor Vampire 

Doctor Vampire. He's a doctor that fights vampires. This is a thing that happened. 

Pre-dates Dr. Acula from Scrubs by 50 years, so he's got that going for him, which is nice. 

9) Speed Centaur

The only survivor of an earthquake that devastaed his home city in the Arctic Circle, Speed Centaur is taken in by a friendly trapper. Once he's old enough, Speed Centaur moves to the City of Rackets, where he uses his mighty strength, lightning speed, flight and an ability to disguise himself as a regular horse. Speed Centaur's secret headquarters, in a museum on Nob Nose Mountain, includes a portal to a medieval kingdom where Speed Centaur reigns as a jousting champion. 

I was unable to find any explanation for why he is suplexing a horse. 

8) Fatman, the Human Flying Saucer

Created in 1967, Fatman is possibly the result of copious amounts of drugs. Amazingly, C.C. Beck and Otto Binder, two of the men behind the creation of Captain Marvel (or SHAZAM~!), are also the creators of Van Crawford, a fat guy that happens to be nearby when a spaceship crashes and thus gains the power to transform into a UFO. 

I am just as shocked as you that his power is NOT being fat. In fact his main power is being a world-class athlete! Turns out the athletic fat guy thing was done way before Bob's bulk destroyed the Tekken competitive scene. Who knew? 

7) Brother Power, The Geek 

Created in 1968 by Joe Simon, the same Joe Simon that made Captain America famous, Brother Power is a mannequin brought to life when a hippie's wet clothes are placed on the mannequin which is then struck by lightning! The mannequin is dubbed Brother Power by the hippies and he soon goes to live with his lazy, slacker buddies. Unlike the hippies though, Brother Power has ambition and soon starts running for Congress! While campaigning, Brother Power has time to foil the evil Lord Sliderule, before being shot into space on a rocket. The whole series lasted two issues. 

I swear none of that is made up and Jon Morris' book is amazing. 

Hit the jump for the rest of the Regrettable Superheroes. 

6) Just'n'Right

Quick! What power does the masked vigilante Just'n'Right possess!? 

Can you figure it out!?

Nope! You're wrong! His power is that he is a......LUMBERJACK! 

Yes, a lumberjack, specifically the lumberjack named Justin Wright that was orphaned at a young age and did not learn until the age of 26 that his parents were killed by criminals and left him a large inheritance. While exploring his family's home, Justin finds a scarf in his mother's belongings.....I hope it's a scarf anyways...that is translucent on one side! For some stupid reason, Justin Wright ties it around his eyes to emulate Justice and becomes the crime-fighting vigilante known as...Just'n'Right!

I can't prove it, but pretty sure his mother's name was Martha. 

5) The Ferret

The Ferret was originally a character from the 1940's, but when Malibu Comics "updated" a stable of old characters in the early 90's, to put this....the 90's happened. The Ferret became a disgraced police commissioner that was always at odds with being a "Good guy" and being an "excessive force" type of guy. You could say that he had a feral side. You could also say that he liked to bloody people with his claws and was on a team (The Protectors) but wasn't much of a team player. You could also say that I'm using The Ferret here as a stand-in for all of the other characters most famous for not being a certain Canadian mutant. 

I'm also ashamed to admit I had a few of the comics starring The Ferret. 

4) Nature Boy 

The 16 time world champion, the limousine riding, jet flying, wheeling, dealing son of a....oh....what's that? Wrong Nature Boy? 

Buddy Rogers?

No? Crap. 

It's this guy!?

David was in a planecrash as an infant that amazingly, did not result in him becoming an orphan, but instead his parents presumed he had drowned. David didn't drown thanks to the intervention of Neptune! Of course! For some strange reason, David was bestowed with the powers of the gods - Neptune, God of Water! Gusto, God of Air! Fura, Ruler of Fire! Eartha, Ruler of Earth! Allura, Goddess of Love! Azura, Ruler of the Sky! Electra, Goddess of Killing Her Mother And Boning Her Dad! 

Wait no, that can't be right...let me double check,,,

Electra, Goddess of Electricity and finally, Friga, Goddess of the Cold! 

Nature Boy could use the powers of all of these alleged Gods and Goddesses by first asking their permission. No really, that's how it worked. Don't blame me, I didn't come up with Nature Boy, Jerry Siegel did!  The same Jerry Siegel that created Superman. 

I will say this for Nature Boy, he'd have never allowed Paul Roma to become a Horseman. 

3) SuperPro

SuperPro shows up in the Marvel universe from time to time, which is incredibly odd to say the least. The thought of an NFL player turning into a superhero is ludicrous. Just look at his uniform! There's no corporate sponsor there! Why would he become a superhero without an endorsement deal!? That's just stupid. 

SuperPro is of course another of those products of the early 90's when we had a Saturday morning cartoon starring Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzky and Bo Jackson as superheroes. Could you imagine a cartoon now of Lebron James, Tom Brady and some hockey type person? 

2) Magicman

How is Magicman NOT a Mega Man boss yet? Just give him a top hat and the power to shoot rabbits. Easy. If that's not simple enough, they could give him a backstory involving a sorcerer for a dad, a reluctance to use magic until his squadron is wiped out during the Vietnam War and then he cobbles together a costume from supplies on the army base before using magic to defeat the VietCong, then with the VietCong vanquished, he moves into an apartment with his old sergeant in an "Odd Couple" scenario. 

Oh! Instead of rabbits and stage magic, gave him the powers of super speed, flight, ability to melt metal, compel people to tell the truth, super strength, control winds, shot blasts from his fingertips, create illusions and make things disappear. 

No wait, that's really stupid and the sort of superhero an 8 year old would create, not at all a Megaman boss. 

1) ......Damn you Jon Morris....damn you to hell....




We need another glorious shot of Adam-X to get across just how X-TREME he is! 

Yes! That's what I'm talking about! It's 90's comics to the X-TREME! 

Adam-X, a product of the mastermind writer and artist Rob Liefeld, is the COOLEST mutant EVER. He has blades all over his BITCHIN' costume so that he can cut everyone! Then when he cuts them, even the smallest of cuts, his mutant power can kick in and HYPEROXEGINATE their blood, causing a burning pain so strong that Adam-X defeated all of X-FORCE in a two-page spread that inexplicably has no feet in it. 

I have no idea why Jon Morris has Adam-X in his book of Regrettable Superheroes. 


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