Friday, June 9, 2017

Horrible Cross Over Fan-Fiction Friday: Prison Beasts

Every Friday, your esteemed blogger will be writing a piece of Fan Fiction using the random mashup provided by This week's Fan Fic cross-over is....

Your challenge is to write crossover fanfiction combining Beauty and the Beast and Street Sharks. The story should use Prison as a plot device!

Beauty, Beast and The Street Sharks star in....

Prison Break: Zootopia 

(A note before we begin: I have no idea who the Street Sharks are outside of random stills from the 90's cartoon like this one) 

Part 1: Sentenced to DEATH 

Beauty's heart sank as the judge's gavel came down. The jury only took 30 seconds.....or 30 minutes....maybe it was 30 hours.....all 12 of them were animals with no sense of time, as it's a human construct. When the jury foreman read out the decision finding Beauty guilty of being a human there was a loud howl from the back of the courtroom as Beast violently stood up and started throwing around possums, voles and ferrets. 

"She's innocent you jackass!" roared Beast, his massive 9-foot frame of pure fuzzy, rippling, chiseled muscle barreling down the center aisle of the Zootopia courtroom. 

"And she's not a jackass!" yelled back the esteemed judge Dominick the Donkey. 

The pair of burly oxen bailiffs roughly grabbed the slender Beauty's upper arms and the German librarian was helpless as that's the universal weak spot on all women. Two rhinos in police uniforms went to restrain Beast but the mighty Prince was too strong for even the pair of pachyderms to hold back as he tried in vain to rescue the love of his life. 

Then in one quick moment Beast felt 99,000 zigawatts of electricity flow through him. Zootopia's Most Elitest Special Officer had arrived. Judy Hopps bounced dwon from Beast's back with her "anti-large mammal and possibly reptiles but for some reason those don't exist in Zootopia" taser firmly in hand. 

"Special Forces Officer Judy Hopps to the rescue!" proclaimed the only bunny to serve on the Zootopia Police Department task force. "This human-loving monster has been subdued and is ready for extraction to the uncivilized zone!" 

"NNNNOOOOOO!!!" shouted Beauty once Beast was taken down by Judy. Unable to resist the upper arm grab, Beauty went along as the bailiffs escorted her to the back exit of the Zootopia courtroom, avoiding the anti-human crowd at the front entrance. 

"This is what you humans get for coming back to Zootopia." said one of the officers as Beauty was shoved into the back of a van to be hauled off to the maximum security prison from the movie Zootopia. "Yeah" said his partner "though any animal that willingly hangs out with a human should be put down too. Your buddy won't survive a week in the uncivilized zone." 

The two animals laughed as they slammed the door shut and banged on the back door, giving the driver the signal to haul Beauty away to the maximum security prison. Meanwhile, the sedated Beast was loaded onto a high-tech helicopter transport and dumped 700 miles away from Zootopia onto a beach outside a run-down shanty village. 

Groggy and recovering from the shock delivered by the "anti-large mammal and possibly reptile" taser, Beast stood up and dusted off his blue overcoat, re-adjusted his buttons, composed himself, and then threw back his head and let loose a loud roar. 

A roar of vengeance at the fluffy animals that had taken away his Beauty all because she was a human. 

Beast's roar was interrupted by a loud crash emanating from a nearby sewer drainage pipe. Hearing some muffled screams and the sound of a feeding frenzy, Beast rushed over to the pipe and was stunned at the carnage he saw inside: four shark-like men were eating a group of four turtle men, probably only teenagers judging by their size. The shark men were vicious, grabbing one of the turtles, this one had a blue piece of cloth on his head, as it tried to crawl away and then cracking open the shell to get the good parts inside. 

The smell of blood was almost too much for Beast. He nearly went feral and joined into the frenzy right then and there. Instead, he threw his arms back and roared once more, the noise echoing down the pipe and catching the attention of all four shark-men. The sharks recognized an alpha predator once they were done with the feeding frenzy and all four slowly circled Beast, sniffing him and...doing whatever it is that sharks do to determine dominance...I can't be bothered to look it up and at this're committed. Let's just say they sniffed his butt. 

Beast smiled to himself and bared his fangs. He would get his Beauty back, and these sharks would do it for him. 

Hit the jump for the thrilling conclusion to this week's Horrible Fan Fiction cross-over! 

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Game Informer's Top 100 RPGS of All Time - What They Got Wrong

I re-upped my GameStop Power-Up Rewards Membership yesterday when I picked up a PS4 copy of Fallout 4. I blame a co-worker talking about Polygon's Monster Factory series for why I finally picked it up. Anyways, the point is that I also got the latest Game Informer magazine. Which clearly screams "This is going out before E3 and we need to fill a bunch of pages" by basically being one countdown of the TOP 100 RPGS OF ALL TIME.

Can you spot the problem on the cover?

Why yes, that's Aloy from Horizon: Zero Dawn.

I guess you can call that an RPG? But in the top 100 of all time? Seriously?

Let's get the negative out of the way first, as amazingly, there's only a few things that really grind my gears about this list.

The Wrong


Left off of the list completely are some classic RPG titles that deserve proper recognition:

Dragon Quest IV - Sure, Dragon Quest 3 is on the list at #99, but the fourth entry was also really good! I swear! I even learned to love the AI companion gameplay of the fifth chapter!

Shining Force 1+2 - Strategy RPG's count this list is almost instantly invalid for leaving off these two!

Ogre Battle: March of the Black Queen - A game that still has yet to be truly replicated.

SaGa Frontier - Why are you laughing at me? Don't laugh. This is a great game.

Lufia 2: Rise of the Sinistrals - Puzzle dungeons, monster-breeding and a terrific story? This deserves a spot.

Lunar: Silver Star Story and Lunar: Eternal Blue - Played Silver Star on my iPad recently and I had forgotten how many things the game does amazingly well. I worry that's being lost to the sands of time at this point.

#84 - Horizone Zero Dawn (PS4, 2017)

It's a matter of debate over how RPG this game is, but even then, it's been only 4 months since release. Let's not put this game over Dragon Quest 3 (#99), The World Ends With You (#95) or Tales of Symphonia (#89). In order to be a great anything of all time, it takes more then just the Honeymoon period.

#81 - Destiny (Everything but Nintendo and PC, 2014)


#73 - Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (XB1, PS3, X360, PS1, Vita, Saturn, PSP, 1997)

Not in the top 50? What!? This game is awesome! Just look at the long list of releases for it and the incredible influence that it's had on entire genres in the...20's....TWENTY YEARS!?

#41 - Xenosaga: Episode 1 (PS2, 2003)

I only have an issue with this because Xenogears is 8 spots back at #49. Swap these and you're okay....but Xenogears is at least a Top 20 to me.

#29 - Suikoden II (PS1, PSP, PC, 1999)

Oh hell no. This is a top ten greatest games of all time contender! You ESPECIALLY do not get to list this 18 spots behind...

#11 Bloodborne (PS4, 2015) 

......I think drugs influenced this choice. To put how STUPID a placement this is into perspective, #12 is Fallout 3 and #13 is Planescape: Torment.

Far and away, the worst choice on this list and the one that I can not let slide is the pick for #1.

#1 The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (PS4, XB1, X360, PS3, PC, 2011)

That is not how you spell FINAL FANTASY VI.

As Benjamin Franklin once famously said, "There are only three certainties in life. You're born, you die and Final Fantasy VI is the greatest RPG of all time".

Once I wash the taste of the game that us Setzer MF'ing Gabbiani being denied the rightful spot, I'll discuss the things that they got right. Just...ugh....Final Fantasy VI has KEFKA! A character tries to commit suicide after the WORLD IS DESTROYED AND ALL HER FRIENDS ARE PRESUMED DEAD! THERE'S AN OPERA! FOREVER RACHAEL! SETZER GABBIANI!

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Chairty Stream To Support The Phippen Family

Watch here starting at 2:00 PM:

Donate here:

Friday, June 2, 2017

Humble Monthly Bundle For July: Unlock Dark Souls 2 - Scholar of the First Sin

I was THIS CLOSE to buying Dark Souls 2: Scholar of the First Sin during the Humble Store Spring Sale. It was down to about $10, but I held off, since I was already purchasing the June Bundle (mostly for Stellaris at a cheap price). So glad I waited, as now? Dark Souls 2: Scholar of the First Sin is available as the early unlock for $12 along with all the other games in the monthly bundle.

I love the Humble Bundle. Cheap games, support charity, and I often get surprised by something that I would otherwise never touch. For example, back in March, I got the Humble Monthly Bundle for Total War: Warhammer but yet the much less-hyped Space Run Galaxy has sucked up more of my gaming time!

Last month I signed up for Stellaris, but I was just surprised with Plague Inc.: Evolved, Superhot and Brigador as also being in the bundle! It's as much of a collection as "Hey, I've heard of that game but never got around to it" as Hawaii 5-0 has running guest stars that make you go "Hey, I recognize that guy!"

Superhot trailer:

Brigador trailer:

Anyways, if you haven't yet, this is a great month to take the plunge and get the Humble Monthly Bundle then rock out some Dark Souls 2: Scholar of the First Sin, all for only $12. It's cheaper then a movie.

Oh and you should use this link to sign up: Humble Bundle Monthly

Charity Stream Tomorrow For Trinity, A 3 Year Old Battling Leukemia

This is Trinity.

She's 3.

She's been battling leukemia for the past...6 months? 8? It's been awhile. Wolfson Children's Hospital in Jacksonville, Florida has been doing a great job treating her and she is, according to her mother, having good days and bad days. Some weeks she'll make her "counts" (blood measurements tracking white blood cells, etc) and some weeks she won't. Right now she's in-between rounds of chemo.

Rounds of chemo. At 3 years of age.

Tomorrow, on June 3rd, I will begin a Charity Stream on Twitch for Trinity. I can not run a marathon, I can not give blood, but I can play games and make a fool out of myself. So starting at 2:00 PM tomorrow and running until 10:00 PM, I will be streaming Senran Kagura Estival Versus. Haven't heard of it? Consider yourself lucky.

Senran Kagura is a franchise that's basically one big helping of anime fan service. PG/PG-13 fan service though, which makes everyone cringe. For some reason, people like seeing me play these types of games and suffer for their amusement.

Tomorrow will only be the first Charity Stream. Off and on throughout the month of June I will be continuing to help support Trinity and her family.

Remember the FIESTA OF FURY I loved attending for Warhammer 40k? Trinity's Dad was the guy that organized all of it and he's the founder of my competitive Warhammer 40k team, Team Bird Dog. He may not seem like a nerd since he is a retired Air Force Officer that currently serves as an Assistant Campus Recreation Director, but he's a nerd. He'll talk Warhammer for hours and hours if you let him.

So let's do this for the Nerds.

Tabletop Friday: Dark Souls The Board Game

Did you know there was a Dark Souls board game that was recently released?

Just as with the game, prepare to die, a lot, as you and your party explore dark dungeons filled with monsters and traps that will DESTROY YOU. When it comes to capturing the feel of a digital game in tabletop form, Dark Souls nails the aesthetic and ever-looming sense of dread. Unlike the digital version of the series, character creation is significantly streamlined letting you jump into the game within 10 minutes of pulling it out of the box.

Each class has a whole suite of specific cards detailing equipment and skills, with no gaurentee you will ever come across all of them during a single game. The random factor between set-up and the "AI" player's dice rolls (this can be an actual, fifth player or just the four of you trading off) makes it so that every run is different. To a point. Play it enough times and you'll eventually get a good feel for the usual flow of the game. During my first game session, as a Warrior, I basically figured pretty quickly what would and would not kill me. The ever fickle dice can still cause catastrophe. Helping to offset the pain of random events is the playing pieces, which are gorgeous minis that alas, you need to paint yourself: 

Between the cards, player boards and pre-built minis, set up really is quick and easy! The board gets filled in with interlocking tiles as you explore, so there is no need to spend 30 minutes laying down 20+ playing pieces. The "Endurance" system only lets you get away with actions until you start to get too penalized to continue without resting, which sounds annoying, but in practice? Created a good pace and forced strategic thinking over when to attack, when to defend and when to run the hell away. 

Alas, within the span of just a few encounters, the strategy of "send the tank in first to aggro" was deployed and made progress a breeze until The Executioner turned up. Boss Monsters have their own deck of skills, and they will kill you. A lot. Dying may not be the end of the game (which is good!) but it significantly increases playing time well past the 2 hours on the box. This wasn't much of a problem for the group at the Friendly Local Gaming Store (Funtertia in Valdosta, Georgia!), but it could drain the will to play real quick depending on your players. 

Just like the actual Dark Souls. 

That becomes the biggest with Dark Souls: The Board Game. It's just like the digital Dark Souls games. For better and for worse. Personally, I had a blast, and while the game is pricey ($120), it easily offers up a Game Night's worth of entertainment and can actually serve as a way to get people interested into the wider Dark Souls franchise. 

You can pick up Dark Souls: The Board Game from your own Friendly Local Gaming Store, or from this handy Amazon link:

Friday, May 26, 2017

First Official Look At Netflix's Castlevania Series

It starts with someone blowing on a NES cartridge.

It's following the Castlevania 3 story, with Alucard, Grant and Wizard-lady that I never actually used. It's the best pre-Symphony of the Night Castlevania by a mile. Using Grant to climb on walls and ceilings was awesome back in the day, until you got Alucard and his ability to turn into an actual bat.

The best part of the trailer? The release date. July 7th. That's right around the corner and way earlier then I was expecting for some reason.

How awesome is it that we're getting a Castlevania series? Kids these days will enevr again understand the simple joys of cameos on Captain N as the only way to see video game characters on TV, like say, Alucard for example: